Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you. –Friedrich Nietzsche
When one breaks down, sometimes the best thing to do is grab a bottle of wine and write your ass off. I had one of those moments of weakness where it seemed like my past came back to haunt me. Every single little thing, every detail, every hateful soul and every horrid thing showed its ugly head and swallowed me up. I cried, I was scared, felt lonely, and just absolutely worthless. It is rare that I have moments like this anymore. I think with the current events that have been happening in my life though, it stirred up some “unfinished business” if you will.
There use to be days, only about 2-3 years ago mind you, where I would look into the mirror and I would see a monster. I hated myself. I hated everything about me. My hair, my skin, the way my nose looked, my giant eyebrows. I was too fat, too pale, didn’t have big enough boobs, and just felt like a total piece of shit. I would cake on makeup to hid myself, I dressed flashy so people wouldn’t see the real me, I would get validation that I was worth something through people that didn’t matter or from men wanting to have sex with me. I was a train wreck.
I fed my monster and so did my boy friend at the time. It was a never ending cycle of bull shit. But, those days have come and gone and the monster I use to feed often is now starving, but occasionally she peaks her head out and shows her face in the mirror. We all have bad days, but I am just glad I am not having a bad day every day. I am still processing and letting go of things that use to eat away at me. It takes time to heal old wounds… but I think I have reached a point where most of it is gone. It feels good to have some balance back in my life.
However, because of my mood I decided to write a lovely (or horrid depending on how you look at it) poem. It’s dark, dim and might scare people. We all can relate to it though. We all have a monster that we feed, some more than others. I hope you all enjoy and namaste.
Monsters in the Mirror
By: Michelle Curry
There’s a monster staring back at me in the mirror. It’s a green eyed succubus, cold and dark. Ivory skin that glistens in the moonlight and hair black as raven feathers. Jagged teeth make up her wicked grin and her claws dig deeper into my soul. I try to run, but I see her in every reflection. She holds me there with her wicked stare…devouring me particle-by-particle. I don’t know how to stop this madness, nor her voice inside my head. She speaks in tongues as old as time, long forgotten by the ears of ma. Making my hairs stand on end…making me suffer and fall deeper into the blackness. I feel her seep in through my veins, wanting to control my every move, trying to scratch her way out to the surface. I am scared… Because this monster that haunts me, this demon that eats away at my soul is really me. I am the prison, the keeper, and the creature. Somebody help me escape from this torture, from myself, the monster in the mirror.