Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. —Buddha
Last night was weird, to say the least. I had one of those days where I guess you would say I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. It was absolutely dreadful. It’s not like I didn’t make it throughout the day and had a total melt down…but something was up. First off I slept like dirt the night before for no reason. It was just out of the blue and I have been sleeping rather soundly lately. And when I woke up, I was in panic mode.
I woke up an hour and a half before my alarm was suppose to go off and I could not go back to sleep. So I got up and started doing things that needed to be done around the house, was still very panicky about it too. It almost felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I took some B vitamins to calm me down…didn’t work very well. Neither did the quick shower. Nor meditating during quite time once I got to work. It was just…well horrible.
I didn’t know what was going on or why I felt odd. I couldn’t put two and two together and so I just was in a funk for most of the day. I wanted to bite someones head off, scream, shout, let it all out… but nothing came up and I was stuck. This little angry ball of fear and hate and awfulness in my chest and radiated throughout my body. Then at writing club I thought I had a break through with writing about what happened to me on Monday in this lovely epic rant (that will be posted later fyi). NOPE! Still pissed off and irked at the world even after reading it.
The weirdest thing about it was throughout the day, it seemed like everyone and their mother was trying to get a hold of me to see how I was. I do have a very wide circle of friends that I keep in touch with so people talking to me is normal…but this was ridiculous. People I hadn’t really talked to in quite a while was checking up on me. Coincidental? Possibly, but I highly doubt it. Anywho, it is nice to know that people do care about you and can pick up on stuff even without knowing it.
So after a lovely talk with someone on the phone for a bit, I went back into Camino and sat at the far end of the table across from all of my friends and just looked at them pitifully and went, “meow…” *head desk* (meow has many different meanings depending on context among my friends) and so they decided it might be time for me to have some energy work done. Yes, I do practice rekie healing, stone therapy, divination, and the like. I use it to help others as well as myself. So, there I am having people put their hands on me and giving me some much needed love and help me work through all this…well crud.
Whatever it was, it hurt. It stung. It made me feel like ass and an ass. I felt scared, alone, hot, cold, achy, and loads of other things. I am beginning to wonder if it was some sort of shift in my consciousness, getting rid of old baggage I had been holding onto for years or maybe a little bit of both. I couldn’t put words to it other than OW, still can’t but it will come to me if need be. I felt better afterwards…but I don’t think its quite done. Still had odd dreams last night that were way too realistic for comfort and woke up with stomach cramps because of it. Like extremely painful ones. I am fine now, thank goodness…but still baffled.
I am starting to think that this diet not only has been affecting my physical health, but also my mental and spiritual health as well. Not in a bad way of course, but it is a bit scary. I am getting down to the bare bones of my issues and fears that I have. There is that little voice inside that is telling me to give up and just curl up in a ball and hide, but I can’t and I won’t. I am not going to give up on this or myself because dammit I will finish something for once! Hopefully I will be able to figure out what this…well thing is in a few days. And so we shall see; good things come to those who wait. Namaste.