“You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with.” -Wayne Dyer
“What else am I afraid of?” In my last post I talked about moving through fears and I mentioned being afraid of failure as my top one, in which it is. This, however, is right at the top of the list as well. We all need love, attention and nurturing to grow and be well in life. It is an important part of life; human interaction. We all love to feel wanted and cared about… but this is a little different.
For starters, I hate being single. I honestly do. It is not that I do not enjoy going out and meeting new people or don’t get excited about going on dates and having the freedom to do as I wish and just be with friends. All that stuff is fantastic! It’s the being by myself part that is what scares me. For a long time, I thought the only thing I was good for was…well sex. When you are abused you tend to start thinking things like that. My self esteem was fairly nonexistent.
I was in an abusive relationship during high school and also soon after I first started college. Two of them… not to mention all the assholes that used, abused, lied and cheated on me during the in betweens and breaks. Why? Because I didn’t think I deserved any better than that, and that all I was good for was a romp in the sheets. I know that it is total bogusness and not true, but that is how I felt at the time even if I did not admit to it. It was a vicious cycle. I would try to show my “love” for someone by doing that for them and inevitably wind up heart broken. I thought “Oh, they will be able to fix me because I MUST be broken because of all those things [Insert boys name here] said about me!”
Fling after fling it would happen over and over and over again. It was tiresome. I tried to bend over backwards just so that I could feel what I thought was love. Finally though, after a long time and deep thinking I broke part of this pattern. I did deserve better and not just some random jerk that is going to treat me like dirt. I deserved my prince trotting on a white horse who would carry me off to happily ever after. I was not broken, scared maybe, but not broken and what was said was projections of how they (as in boys) felt about themselves. The only part I didn’t break was being okay with myself and allow feeling and space for me.
No one, no matter what they say or how much they try, cannot “fix” anyone. Period. The only person who can and is capable of doing so is you. No books, no magic pill, not even prince charming; only little ol’ you. We have to learn to fall down and get backup and be Okay with doing that for ourselves. Yes, support from family, friends and guidance from books and things are all fine and dandy, but it is just guidance, not a ticket to a quick fix. It takes time, devotion, self love, and learning from the past. Then just let it go. Easier said than done, I will admit to that. It is hard to take your own advice sometimes.
So I am practicing self love by allowing myself to be Okay with singleness… I know it won’t be forever, but for now I have to be okay with me. And when I am ready, things will fall into place and go as they may. Enough is enough of patterns. Its time to make new ones that are good for me and not self deprecating. And now I am a pile of mush for writing this, but I know that it is good for me. Hopefully it will inspire some of you or maybe even you can relate in some way. Namaste.