“So avoid using the word ‘very’ because it’s lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don’t use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason, boys – to woo women – and, in that endeavor, laziness will not do.” —Dead Poets Society
It’s been raining here fairly heavily for the past few days and it is beginning to dampen my ever cheery mood. Water is been used in many religions to purify the body and soul so that all that is good and light may enter. Honestly, I feel like a sad wet dog left out in the rain and forgotten about.
It doesn’t help with the emotional upheaval I have had as of late. You see, you can’t make someone feel a certain way about you. You can’t make anyone fall in love or like you and because of that, people emotions can be very fickle. You think you are doing the right thing or doing the best you can and they feel it is the opposite. They think you should act or behave a certain way and you absolutely can’t because it is how you naturally are or feel. Or you try your damnedest to make things work out and bend over backwards and then you just fail miserably because you and said person have grown apart and letting go is the hardest thing.
Relationships grow and fade, just like rain comes and goes. They also have their sides like warm summer rains that are loud and happen briskly without warning, or cold slow rain that feels like ice and chills you to the bone leaving you feeling lonely and down right crumby. Because of this, no two situations are the same. You might have dated a real jerk off in your past and then along comes Mr. Nice Guy who tries to be your knight in shining armor and then you just feel as though he will be the exact same way and treat you like dirt. With clinging to the past and holding onto things that don’t serve us anymore, we tend to become blinded and then not really see the full potential of that person. Then again we can be blinded in the total opposite way because we try to be too optimistic and then we get snowballed by all their negative aspects that we refuse to see because we want to make it work.
It is a delicate balance. Cling to the past and you never grow, try to live in the future and you miss all the important warning signs. It is hard…I am not perfect. I have my demons that I have to deal with on a regular basis because of my past. For the longest time I shoved them down and just didn’t deal with them because I didn’t know how. Any sort of therapy for me was through my art, music, poetry and being able to escape to far away places in books and things that we not really tangible. That was when i was 12 too, it kind of made being a kid hard or at least a “normal” kid. As I have grown up, I have gotten a lot better about expressing my feelings and dealing with them in a proper manner. And yes, even all the crumby relationships I was in taught me something.
Sometimes the best thing to do is just cry… fall into a pile on the floor and cry your heart out. Let all those emotions just run through you and let them out instead of bottling them up. Don’t worry about looking bad, silly or horrible because right now what matters most is you letting yourself actually feel those things. For the longest time I was numb, I disassociated my feelings with what was going on because I did not want to feel it. It was a defense mechanism. Anytime someone yelled at me, hurt me in any way or just abuse me , or even do something that I wasn’t comfortable with then I would shut down. I wouldn’t say anything, I wouldn’t scream, I just curled up in a little ball and then run to somewhere else and just cry. Or I would wait till the other person fell asleep and then just cry to myself.
It wasn’t pretty to say the least. I didn’t know how to say what I felt because it had been dismissed so many times. Either I was wrong for feeling that way or it wasn’t valid enough for it to be considered. So, sometimes out of the blue I would just get angry, or sad, or scared and then have a panic attack. I still have panic attacks to this day, but they are less frequent nor as severe as they use to be. People thought I was bipolar, crazy, or a Drama Queen. I am none of those things, I am a human being recovering from trauma and trying to get back to my new “normal”. Some people can just blow things off very easily, others it takes a extremely long time. Bit by bit, I am better than I was though and that is what counts.
But, I digress. I am taking responsibility for my own actions and feelings and actually learning to use them in a way to where it is understandable. And yes, crying in a pile on the floor sometimes is the best medicine like a cloud letting go of all the junk it has accumulated by raining. It gives us time to reflect and let go of what is not serving us anymore in the end. From that comes sunny days full of joy and happiness. It is okay to feel crumby, the most important thing is to let it go and not become stuck in it.
So, instead of letting this rain continue to get me down or let all the crud that has been happening lately get under my skin, I am going to be productive. Yes, cleaning can make you feel better. It is like meditation but with movement, a lot like cooking. It helps ease the mind so that you can let go of all the pain and come to a solution without beating yourself up about it. Plus afterwards you have a lovely smelling home and it just feels better.
I hope you all have enjoyed this, it is a bit deeper than most of my other articles but sometimes that is the best way to go. Namaste!